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| Well here I am. I never thought that I would ever get here. I thought that it would be an experience I could never forget. Dont get me wrong, it has been. Although im around family a lot, I could never feel as alone as I am now. I feel like I am sooooo out of place and I could never feel as alone as I do now. Sometimes i feel that if i do mute myself most of the time, life would be so much better. Everytime i open my mouth i feel like I am getting scolded or being mocked. Because of this fear that I have, words dont come out right. I dont know... maybe im just homesick. All I know is that things better be getting right soon or else maybe I would just revert back to my silent, shy self. This thing that is missing....If cant live without it, own my own, then why is it so easy for you to say so? the answer is easy....Something is wrong... | | |
| I dont know if it is possible to put my mind at ease. If i do, it is when i am sleeping: in complete peace and repose, not thinking about the endless things that I think about when I wake up. These "things" are impossible NOT to think about. These things are a big deal to me because I know that It is easier said than done. I will admit something about myself: I am the most SELFLESS person I know. This is why I think about the well being of others before I do think about myself. It may be a nice quality but it can be my biggest flaw. I was sitting in church yesterday and my mind begand to wander. Because I was thinking about everything, I almost cried. Im worried about them and how they will fare when I leave. They may not know but I really do care about them and I am sacred that they will feel alone when I leave. I dont want them to be alone. I dont want to leave everyone. I hate being scared of change, but maybe its what I need. "Change...is to give up what we are, to become what we could be." Obviously Im not the perfect person, and that's why I made this choice, whether or not you support me. If you let the little things get to you, it will eat away at you, exposing what you were to begin with. | | |
| i tried to kill the pain
but only brought more
i lay dying
and i'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal | | |
| Still, this is what I think: I would rather live on, carring the memory until the end. Because even if it a sad memory, even if it is a memory that only hurts me, Even if it is a memory that I would rather forget, If i carry it until the end, without running away from it. Someday I may become myself who wouldn't lose to those memories. I believe it. Because, I want to believe it, there is no such memory that you can forget. So, the truth is that I didnt want you to forget about me. The truth is that this is my childish wish.
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| I think I had a mental breakdown last night. Everything just got to me and I just started crying. It was like that for a hour and a half. I thought watching some Fresh Prince would change that but it didnt stop. Nothing consoled me at that this point. I cried my self to sleep till 2am. I really dont know why I couldnt stop. I just felt right to have a good cry. And did it help? I just feel down today. I want to talk to someone but I cant...I dont know myself why it happened I just felt REALLY depressed. | | |
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